I love him so much it hurts!

Other new moms may not want to read, I don't want you to have bad thoughts!

I have heard other mothers say this before, but I never truly knew the meaning of this until Wednesday night. I was at bible study and we are studying the book of Esther. We are at the part of Esther where Xerxes gives Haman permission to Kill all the Jews. In our study we were supposed to put ourselves in the Jewish people's shoes. How would we feel...One lady brought up that she felt like this will happen to us Christians, soon and maybe even in our lifetime. She of course was meaning the end of time. I almost had a panic attack right then and there. My eyes started to tear up,and I could barely hold them back. I hadn't thought about since I had Ben. I know there is no way of knowing when the end of time will come, or what that will look like. But, it is scary. I can deal with people hurting me (physically and emotionally) BUT DON'T TOUCH MY SON! I got sick to my stomach thinking about it. If anything ever happened to Ben I just couldn't take it. So, what I am saying is I got super freaked out. I just started to think, "why did I bring a child into this world, if they are just going to be put through pain?" My baby boy will be hurt by friends, girlfriends, teachers, coaches....and I am just supposed to sit there and let this happen. My mom explained to me that you get mad, and it rips you apart, but it makes our children who they are. I am they way I am because of all the good and the bad things that happened in my life. I am not sure if any of this really makes sense to anyone else out there, but I just had to get it off my chest! I talked to my mother-in-law, and she said she felt the same way. I also talked to my mom, and she said she also went through this. I just came to the conclusion that I cannot live my life in fear. And the end result of anything will be that were are in heaven. Which is comforting to an extent (still scary though)... But what really helps me is to live each day to its fullest. We are happy, we are healthy, and we are blessed in so many ways!!

3 months old

Wow, my little man is one quarter of a year old!!! I just can't believe how fast time has gone by. Benjamin is amazing, and my love for him continues to grow more and more each day. He is so precious!!! Ben has rolled over (from his tummy to his back) 3 times in the past day. Now, we are working on rolling from his back to his tummy, but that's a little harder. I am trying to play with him more on the floor, but he gets pretty fussy after about 10 minutes of laying there. I did get him one of those bouncy seat things that you hang in the doorway. It says it is for babies 4 months and up, but I put Ben in it with a couple of blankets, and he seems to enjoy it. He is not all smiles, but he is content and is happy to be in there for about 20-30 minutes at a time.
Recently Ben's circ. has looked better and better, the skin is starting to pull away which is very good!!! It is still not completely healed properly, but I can tell it will be an easy fix. He goes back to Valley Children's at the end of the month.
Ben's personality is really shining through. He is laughing a bunch, and loves being tickled and wiggled. I have a feeling he is going to love roller coasters cause he loves being dipped around. His laugh is the most adorable sound I have ever heard. It makes me laugh so hard, which just makes him laugh even more. So fun!
Derek went to Boston he had a great time, but came to the realization that he is not much of a bar guy anymore. He said he was ready for bed every night by around 10pm, but his buddies wanted to stay out all night. He felt like an old man! I could tell he really missed Ben. He called and texted often to see how his little guy was doing. So sweet.
It is getting cooler here and it seems as though fall has finally arrived. Which is great. But, Ben needs some warmer clothes! It has been fun buying him warmer clothes. I got some cute sweaters, and long onesies. I actually just bought him some pants and they were 6 months, and they fit him!! He is so dang long..or tall, not really sure which word to use, that it is hard to find pants that fit. He is not super chubby, but he has super long legs. And finding socks/shoes that fit, well that's impossible. His feet are long and skinny. I had to by 12 month socks for him!! He is a growing boy, and it is so fun to watch the little guy grow!