I love him so much it hurts!

Other new moms may not want to read, I don't want you to have bad thoughts!

I have heard other mothers say this before, but I never truly knew the meaning of this until Wednesday night. I was at bible study and we are studying the book of Esther. We are at the part of Esther where Xerxes gives Haman permission to Kill all the Jews. In our study we were supposed to put ourselves in the Jewish people's shoes. How would we feel...One lady brought up that she felt like this will happen to us Christians, soon and maybe even in our lifetime. She of course was meaning the end of time. I almost had a panic attack right then and there. My eyes started to tear up,and I could barely hold them back. I hadn't thought about since I had Ben. I know there is no way of knowing when the end of time will come, or what that will look like. But, it is scary. I can deal with people hurting me (physically and emotionally) BUT DON'T TOUCH MY SON! I got sick to my stomach thinking about it. If anything ever happened to Ben I just couldn't take it. So, what I am saying is I got super freaked out. I just started to think, "why did I bring a child into this world, if they are just going to be put through pain?" My baby boy will be hurt by friends, girlfriends, teachers, coaches....and I am just supposed to sit there and let this happen. My mom explained to me that you get mad, and it rips you apart, but it makes our children who they are. I am they way I am because of all the good and the bad things that happened in my life. I am not sure if any of this really makes sense to anyone else out there, but I just had to get it off my chest! I talked to my mother-in-law, and she said she felt the same way. I also talked to my mom, and she said she also went through this. I just came to the conclusion that I cannot live my life in fear. And the end result of anything will be that were are in heaven. Which is comforting to an extent (still scary though)... But what really helps me is to live each day to its fullest. We are happy, we are healthy, and we are blessed in so many ways!!

3 months old

Wow, my little man is one quarter of a year old!!! I just can't believe how fast time has gone by. Benjamin is amazing, and my love for him continues to grow more and more each day. He is so precious!!! Ben has rolled over (from his tummy to his back) 3 times in the past day. Now, we are working on rolling from his back to his tummy, but that's a little harder. I am trying to play with him more on the floor, but he gets pretty fussy after about 10 minutes of laying there. I did get him one of those bouncy seat things that you hang in the doorway. It says it is for babies 4 months and up, but I put Ben in it with a couple of blankets, and he seems to enjoy it. He is not all smiles, but he is content and is happy to be in there for about 20-30 minutes at a time.
Recently Ben's circ. has looked better and better, the skin is starting to pull away which is very good!!! It is still not completely healed properly, but I can tell it will be an easy fix. He goes back to Valley Children's at the end of the month.
Ben's personality is really shining through. He is laughing a bunch, and loves being tickled and wiggled. I have a feeling he is going to love roller coasters cause he loves being dipped around. His laugh is the most adorable sound I have ever heard. It makes me laugh so hard, which just makes him laugh even more. So fun!
Derek went to Boston he had a great time, but came to the realization that he is not much of a bar guy anymore. He said he was ready for bed every night by around 10pm, but his buddies wanted to stay out all night. He felt like an old man! I could tell he really missed Ben. He called and texted often to see how his little guy was doing. So sweet.
It is getting cooler here and it seems as though fall has finally arrived. Which is great. But, Ben needs some warmer clothes! It has been fun buying him warmer clothes. I got some cute sweaters, and long onesies. I actually just bought him some pants and they were 6 months, and they fit him!! He is so dang long..or tall, not really sure which word to use, that it is hard to find pants that fit. He is not super chubby, but he has super long legs. And finding socks/shoes that fit, well that's impossible. His feet are long and skinny. I had to by 12 month socks for him!! He is a growing boy, and it is so fun to watch the little guy grow!

2 months old

So Benjamin is now 2 months old..actually 2 months and one week. I can't believe it. Time has gone by so quickly, he is getting so big and his personality is really shining through. It is a weird feeling though...time is going by fast, but I also cannot remember life without Ben. It is a weird feeling not being able to remember what my life used to consist of. My life now is so much more fulfilling and meaningful, I am now much more important and feel like my life has purpose. Life now just seems to be perfect. Well...maybe not perfect, but pretty close to it. Once Derek went back to work I got into a pretty bad funk. I was really lonely at night and I think I may have been dealing with a little bit of depression. It is hard being alone at night. At night is when it feels like it should be family time, so when I am by myself it just kind of stinks. But, I have learned to cherish my alone time with Ben and to get out of the house and do things. I take anyone's offer to go out, and I am trying to be as active as possible. I am doing much better and hope to continue to well.
Ben had his 2 month check up. Everything is going great. He is in the 50th-75th% (13lbs.) for weight and 95th-100th%(24 3/4in) for height. He is super tall which is funny because neither Derek or I have super tall families. His circ. is still not healing properly. We have to go back to the urologist in 2 months and I am pretty sure that he will have to get his circ. redone. They gave us some cream to put on, which is helping but not fixing the problem. I am bummed and feel like a horrible mom for making him go through this. I have this horrible fear that something is wrong with his little boyhood, but the doctor assures me that it just didn't heal right. I will be happy when it gets all better. Besides that he is very healthy. His head is a little lopsided because he always turns his head to the right, so we are trying to lay him down so his head goes to the left, but he always rolls it back to the right side...
Ben laughs and smiles like crazy. His laugh is so funny, it cracks me up. If I was better at this blogging stuff I would put a video of him laughing on here because I know it would put a smile on your face. He seems to be a very happy boy which makes me feel like I must be doing something right!
Derek leaves for Boston in 2 weeks. He will be gone for 5 days.(I know Jenna this is nothing compared to your husband who is in France)He is already sad about leaving Ben for that long, yeah he hasn't really mentioned being sad about leaving me, just Ben... but since Ben is part me, I feel like he will miss me too!
Work is going good. I love my kiddos and it is truly the perfect job for me at this point in my life. I am not sure if I will want to make a career of preschool, but I am definitely keeping an open mind.
I am trying to remember to take one day at a time and be thankful for all that I have. We are tight on money right now, so I just try to be happy that I have a wonderful family, a house, food, clothes, etc. Especially since Derek works very hard for all that we have I don't want to always be negative about how much money we have in the back. We are making it and we will make it, and luckily God will always provide for us, he always has in the past!

Feeding the duckies

Last Friday we went to feed the ducks at Woodward Park. It was so much fun and the kids really seemed to enjoy it. Ryan seemed a little nervous at first because the ducks were following him around like crazy! To tell you the truth I was a little scared of them too. I thought one of the ducks might try to eat Benji. Kelsey was hilarious! Instead of feeding the bread to the ducks she fed the bread to herself. Man that girl likes to eat. So adorable! As for Ben, he just stared at them. He seemed quite curious of the duckies. It was a fun day! Oh by the way Woodward Park is $5 to get in. I know that this really isn't that much but didn't it used to be only $1 or something. It is $3 if you have a license that says you live in Fresno, but mine says Clovis... ridiculous! I can't believe that Ben will be 7 weeks old on Tuesday! Time flies by so fast. My mom comes on Tuesday as well. I am very excited to see her and I know she is excited to see Ben (and me!). I am starting work on Wednesday. I don't have kids yet but we will be setting up the classroom and meeting the staff. Should be fun. I am really excited to meet all of my kiddos though! It will be hard to be away from Ben, but it is only for 4 hours a day, so I am hoping it goes by fast. I am also looking forward to going to lunch with Jenna. It will be nice to meet with her since I don't think we have really talked since 8th grade! Fun week ahead of me!!!

Ben's one month appt.

Ben had his one month check up on Tuesday. He now weighs 11 lbs. and is 23 inches long! I can't believe how much he has grown. He is very healthy and very strong according to Dr. B! The only thing is that his circumcision isn't healing right, so we have to keep an eye on that. He will have to go to the urologist just to make sure it will correct itself on its own, if not he may have to get it fixed...poor little pumpkin! I feel bad, and pray the it just fixes itself.
He cannot fit into any of his "newborn" clothes, so we are already having to put him in 0-3 month stuff. His newborn diapers are getting a bit small, which is good because we only have one more small package of those left anyways! It is amazing to me how fast they grow. He doesn't even look like the little boy we brought home from the hospital. He is starting to smile more now, his smile is absolutely adorable and it lights up any room.
I have given him a bottle a couple of times (with breast milk) just to make sure that when I go to work he eats well. He took to the bottle right away. It takes him a little longer to latch on to the bottle, but once he does he gulps it right down. I am excited to go back to work, but I am also sad that I will not have my morning with Ben anymore. I am so thankful that I got this job though. I will only be gone 4 hours a day, so I think it will work out really well. Plus I know Derek is excited to have one on one time with Benji.
I am trying to start scrapbooking now so that I do not fall so far behind that I never do it! I have started by ordering all of the pictures I want (at least for now) and I have bought the scrapbook and materials. Now, I just need to get started. I love doing it, but I hate the mess it leaves. I am deciding where the best place would be where I could just leave it all out. The problem is that it gets so cluttered and messy looking that it bothers us...I really want to buy a card table so I could use it in out den. Maybe I will have to invest in one. I know it would come in handy!
Tomorrow we are leaving Ben with Derek's mom while we go to dinner for our 5 year anniversary. We are going to miss Ben a lot, but we know it will be good for the two of us to go out and celebrate. We are going to go to Yosemite Ranch, which is one of my favorite places to eat. Once dinner is over we will go pick Ben up and have a movie night. I am looking forward to a wonderful eveneing with my husband!

One month old...

I can't believe that in two days Benjamin will be one month old. It is gone by so fast and my love for him grows more and more each day. I can't believe how much he has changed in the past four weeks. He already is bigger and looks so different, getting more adorable by the second!! He is doing great and is so precious. Mommy and daddy are doing great too. Derek is back at work, which has been a little hard for both of us, but when he gets home at 2:30 am Benjamin is awake to eat so that has turned into a really special family time and I look forward to those late nights! Ben is doing great with sleeping in his crib. He doesn't cry at all, I know he is awake just because he is making noise so I go and get him and feed him then put him right back down and he falls right asleep! I hope that this sleeping pattern lasts becuase it has been really nice not having to put him down and let him cry himself to sleep. Ben is eating really well. He chuggs for about 20 minutes and then is in a milk coma. It is pretty hilarious. You can here him chugging from across the room! He poops a lot, after every feeding, which means about 8 times a day! We go for his one month check up on Agust 3rd, so we will keep everyone updated on that!

Oh, and August 7th is our 5 year wedding anniversary! Derek is an amazing husband and a loving father and I could not have asked God for a better man for me, he is wonderful!!!

Benjamin Davis Scott

On June 30th Benjamin Davis Scott was born. I went in on Monday the 29th to the doctor, he sent me to St. Agnes to get an NST test done and an ultrasound to check the fluid levels. While at the ultrasound appointment the technician said that she is predicting Ben to be 9 lbs. 15 oz.!!! Derek and I just laughed and when we talked to our doctor he said, "no way he is that big" So we put that behind us, but we did find out that my fluid levels were low, so Dr. B decided to induce me. I went home and got my bag packed and had dinner, and we went back to the hospital around 8:30pm. I had to get anitbiotics so they did that and gave me a sleeping pill. Dr. B. was going to be in in the morning to break my water, he came around 6am and I hadn't had any conrtactions throughout the night, so instead of just breaking my water, he started me on pitocin and said he would be back in the afternoon to break my water. Around 1pm my water broke on its own, and my contractions hit pretty hard! They hurt, so I asked for pain meds. by the time the pain meds got there, about 45 mins. later, I was ready for my epidural. I had the epidural about 10 mins. later and after that I felt great!! No pain, I was still able to feel everything and move my legs, but absolutely no pain. I was able to sleep and truly enjoy the fact that I was in labor. Around 8:30pm or a little earlier I felt the need to push, they called the doctor, he got there around 8:45 pm I pushed for a half hour, and after a FULL episotomy (snip, snip, snip, tear) Bejamin was in my arms. The whole expereince, minus the 45 minutes of pain right after my water broke, was wonderful. However, I can't imagine doing it without an epidural. With the epidural I was able to truly enjoy the birth experince of my son. Now, Benjamin did not weigh 9 lbs. 15 oz. but he did weigh 9lbs. even!!! Which would explain the full episiotomy! He was 21 in. in length, and he is absolutely gorgeous! He is now 2 1/2 weeks old and we are loving our little man. We have already taken him to the Big Trees and the beach house. The more I get out the better I feel. The first few days I was pretty sore from the stitches, but after that they really haven't been too painful. I am feeling great, I am missing being pregnant a little though... but I am so happy to be able to hold Ben in my arms and to be able to see Derek with Ben. He has already proven himself to be an exceptional father. All in All Ben is perfect and life right now is pretty much amazing!!!